"..all around reminders of you are everywhere I go..." - Wintersong, Sarah McLachlan

I've been thinking about John a lot lately. I'm sure it's because I lost this baby two weeks ago and because it is the week John would have been due if everything had gone well. Last night, I just couldn't get the memory of holding him out of my head. He was so tiny. I could cradle his body in one hand and part of my wrist. He was amazing, even though he didn't grow the way he should have. His fingers and little hands, his timy toes and rocker-bottomed feet. It is just such a miracle when children are born healthy.

Brian was great and just listened to me last night. He didn't try to make it any better by saying anything other than he loved me. I'm really glad that I've been upfront about how I feel this go round. It works much better that way. It's simple but being true to myself and my emotions and not trying to regulate or restrict anything makes me feel much better.

I'm so thankful that I had that time with John. The weight of his death is still with me, but it's not oppressive, it's just there. It's funny how I miss him. I didn't get to know him deeply, to see his personality develop. I miss him and the possibilities and the connection that was severed. The feeling isn't all pervasive like it was this summer, it just catches me off guard sometimes.

I was just walking down the hallway at school and heard a co-worker talking about her child, and I felt a physical pull inside of me. SERIOUSLY? I guess it was the want that I feel. Emotions still crop up that I'm not expecting. It seems that a lot of emotions have become fresh again these past few weeks. I get angry when I hear people complain about their kids. Just be thankful. I know it's not realistic to think that you will always be thrilled with the choices that your kids make, but talk to your spouse or good friend about your frustrations, not people you barely know WHILE your child is standing next to you! Again, SERIOUSLY?

I aslo received an email from a former student last week expressing her sadness about John and her hope that someday we would have a baby. While I appreciated the sentiment, it was another one of those moments when my emotions rose so quickly. It was weird because the email came right after I miscarried with our second child. It was just a lot.

Loosing another child, however soon in the pregnancy, is a blow. I can be thankful though that I didn't have to make a choice in this scenario. That was the worst. This time, miscarrying was a strangly freeing sensation because there was nothing I could do.

The bleeding reminds me of bleeding I had after I gave birth to John. In some ways it seems unfair to this child, my blighted ovum. Maybe I should feel better because that means the baby didn't form, and I do in a way, but I also don't. I mean what happens with that? Is there a soul? If the body didn't form was it really a child? I'm sure God doesn't let anyone fall through the cracks, I just wish I had a definative answer in the here and now.

It all makes me wonder, have I fully processed John's death? Probably not. Will I always feel this way when I come in contact with the loss of a baby- mine or not? Shoot, death in any form just leads me back to him. Is that because it's a fresh experience or will he always come to the forefront of my mind with anything associated with loss?

Maybe its because I just feel deeply on the spectrum of emotions, whatever emotion it is. I mean I still tear up when I think about losing my Grandaddy in third grade and can laugh when I think of him letting me drive his golf cart. I mean seriously, I remember the smell of his golf cart garage... I guess when someone means a lot to me, they're just grafted in.

John's graft has definately taken. (Not that I doubted it would.) I am thankful to know that he's really loved the best that he could ever be, and is in a place of such love and community that his heart must overflow with a sense of belonging and acceptance. I wonder if he knows to look forward to meeting me someday. I am certainly going to relish in that moment.

There is so much more going on in the world than my personal tragedy, and I truly understand that, and I also feel this profoundly.

So, I've Started a Blog

Well, I've been thinking about starting a little blog just as a place to share whatever I want to. I have fond memories of blogging thanks to Sirena on the 311 Singleton's blog from college, so I hope that this will work out well for me too! This is just a test so that I can see how it all works. It's been a while!