So I've been thinking a lot about trust lately. Trusting God that is. My conundrum is that many people seem to think that trusting God means trusting that everything is going to be ok, but that's faulty b/c you can trust your heart out and then things aren't ok.
I guess when I trust another trustworthy person I am trusting that no matter what occurs, they won't (as far as it is in their power) do anything to betray or hurt me on purpose. Of course the human element of not being perfect gets in there and it doesn't always work out that way.
When it comes to God, I seemed to fall into that same line of faulty thinking. a+b always= c. If I trust, then obviously things will be ok. I don't know why I want to think like that other than I really want everything to be ok when I go to the doctor on Tuesday for my check up. Upon further reflection (as I was walking/attempting to jog for a few minutes this evening) I came to my senses and realized that trusting God doesn't mean just believing that everything will be ok. (As much as I would like it to be.) But instead, it means trusting that no matter what the situation may be, that God is there right along side me, (I mean technically the holy spirit is even inside of me interceding on my behalf...so that's pretty close) feeling with me and sustaining me. Comforting in many ways yes, but man I sure would appreciate a foolproof 100% guarantee that everything will be ok with our baby.
Fact is, I don't get that. What would my faith be if there wasn't the element of the unknown? Could I really call it faith then? I think no. The unknown gives me the opportunity to trust. Not in an outcome but in God's love for me.
Two weeks ago I was asked last minute at church to sit in on the Sr. High Sunday School with the youth minister b/c two of the regular adults (who I know) had to leave last minute. I went along with another lady from my Sunday School class, and I was amazed and the topic they were grappling with. The study that day was on Prayer, which on the surface might sound pretty cut and dry. But instead of going with the easy parts of prayer, Jeff, the youth minister started off with a lot of questions. "How come a child is born with a life threatening malformation, everyone prays, and still the baby dies, yet, in another room of the hospital a 9 year old is diagnosed with cancer, everyone prays, and when a follow up exam is completed weeks later, there is no trace of cancer in the child's body? Why did one child live and another die? Was that God's will? Were some people's prayers better than others?" I couldn't believe Jeff was asking high school kids the same questions I grappled with last summer! Why does prayer "work" sometimes and "not" others?
A discussion followed and I was surprised that so many of the guys spoke up. They had all sorts of interesting ideas. Some of them seemed solid, and others I disagreed with. A few girls shared and somewhere along the way (after other adults had joined the discussion) out of my mouth pops, "I guess it goes back to simply trusting in God's love for us, regardless of the outcome. I think it's possible that we just won't understand everything that happens to us." Now I had a lot more on my mind, but it was really just more questions, and time was running out. So, for two weeks I have been asking myself, what does it mean to trust in God's love for me?
It certainly doesn't mean thinking that everything will be ok, b/c if that was the case, I couldn't really trust anymore. Like I said before, I think it just means trusting that God is right here with us, in this broken, imperfect world. Yes, sometimes he changes things and I know he can, but he doesn't always do it in the way I expect or want or even recognize.
He gave us such a gift after having John, those 30 minutes or so that John lived and we were able to hold him and pray for him, and love him in person. Wow. I never thought that God could bring something so good out of a situation that was so horrible. I was honestly completely inept to pray for anything once I was faced with the situation. I froze when I got all that information about John. I didn't know how to ask God to do anything, all I could muster was for him to be with me during the process and to guide me in the decisions I had to make with Brian. Well, God definitely was there and gave us a beautiful moment of grace and joy that I will never forget and will always be thankful for.
This time, I don't feel as inept to pray for our child. I sure am asking that God would help our baby to grow healthfully, but I also am asking for God to just be with me during the process, and help me to trust him, not for the outcome, but trust in his character and his love for me and this kiddo I have growing inside of me. His love far exceeds mine, and I have a lot of love for this baby.
I will certainly let you know how things go after this Tuesday (the appointment is at 10). I've just been thinking a lot lately and wanted to share. I'm thankful to have a God who is trustworthy.
