"But Mary treasured up these things and pondered them in her heart." -Luke 2:19

Wow...it's March and I haven't posted since November. We'll see if I get any better at this.

Yesterday, I had quite the experience. For the THIRD time this year, I ran into problems parking in the far side non-parking lot at work. I managed to get myself stuck in the mud. Neat. Embarrassing. And funny. I laughed right after I realized what I had done. My friend Tab has done a thorough job of documenting the process of getting my trail blazer unstuck. Check it out: http://writeon-psg.blogspot.com/ You will laugh :)

It's funny how moments sneak up on you. Last night Brian went to bed, and I stayed up late to watch some tivoed shows. When they were over, I got up to turn off the lights. I looked over at our sweet dog Daisy, sprawled across "her" chair, flicked off the lights and listened to my feet pad toward our bedroom and I thought about how thankful I was to be right where I am. I have so much to be thankful for, and I took stock of that last night as I laid down next to Brian.

Late January or early February, I really felt this internal shift happen. Well, I guess I didn't so much as feel the shift, but notice after the fact that it had occurred. I didn't think it would ever come. I thought I was going to carry around sadness and pain on such a deep level for the rest of my life. I had really become accustomed to having that general dull ache underneath everything I did, I was even becoming somewhat OK with it, starting to accept it as my norm. Anyways, I was just driving around town running some errands a few months ago and I head a fun song on the radio. I rolled the windows down and I was singing and smiling and just generally feel great. Then it hit me- where was my sadness underneath this great feeling? It really just wasn't pervasively there! I made a mental note, and then stepped back into the moment of feeling great.

I know that time passing since everything with John has helped, but I'm not entirely sure what else has, aside from friends prayers, and processing over and over and over again everything that has happened. Perhaps somewhere inside of me I finally feel like I have looked at the situation from enough angles. Maybe it helps that Brian and I are trying to have a baby again, I'm not sure. I am thankful though. Very thankful. I just feel a lightness that I haven't felt in a long time, like I'm not dragging EVERYTHING around with me anymore. The experiences are all still there, and from time to time I do think about it all, but it's just not deabilitating anymore.

This Lenten season has been interesting for me. Instead of giving something up (which for me seems to be easier) I took something on. I decided to really make a go of prayer. I used to think I understood prayer when I was younger. As I've gotten older, it just hasn't seemed as easy to me. I have a lot more questions about it all. Do I believe that prayer impacts events, yes- do I have any idea how exactly- no. I used to think I got that part, but now all I can really do is trust and hope that someday I will "live into the answer" at least a little bit. I have felt more connected with God through these Lenten days. I haven't been perfect and on schedule entirely with praying. I don't really think there needs to be an exact schedule though, just realness and frequency. So that's what I'm going for: frequently being real before God, and of course that can't help but spill out in my interactions with other people. I've got a lot to learn, and massive areas to grow in, but I'm happy and thankfully plodding along in that general direction, hopeful again.

"I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..." -Rainer Maria Rilke